ST PETER MN- The “Saturday is for the Boys” Federation of America released a statement yesterday saying that Becky “B-Swizzle” Bergman is the current front runner to win this spring’s annual beer-pong […]
Becky B Slated to Win This Spring’s Beer Pong Tournament
Yam Haus Really Yammed Our Haus
SAINT PETER, MN— Last Friday at The Dive, Minneapolis based boy band Yam Haus gave one of the most memorable performances in Gustavus Adolphus College history. Their hour-long setlist filled with bops […]
The Early Designs for Civil War II Uniforms Are Breathtaking
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA— Well, the results are in and the finalists have been chosen for the uniforms for the next American Civil War. It was a tight race with heated opinions […]
Bias Incident Scheduled for Tuesday
SAINT PETER, MN- In a proactive email, the Gustavus administration informed the community of a bias incident that will undoubtedly occur late Tuesday or early Wednesday. The administration is unclear as to […]
Top 9 Most Aesthetically Pleasing Things On Campus
ST PETER MN- We have been getting quite a few complaints from a Gustie named Felicia about how our articles are not, “aesthetically pleasing enough.” Since we all literally live under that […]
The Fourth Crown is Run by a Russian Bot, and You Can’t Do Shit About It
MOTHER RUSSIA— Привет, я русский бот, который контролирует вашу жизнь. Я взял ваш колледж, ваше правительство и ваше свободное время с моими глупыми статьями. Что вы можете с этим поделать? Вы могли […]
Trump Dresses Up Like POTUS For Halloween
WASHINGTON, D.C.- Sources reported that opinionated billionaire Donald Trump dressed up as the President of the United States to celebrate Halloween. He wore a little U.S. flag button on his over-sized suit […]
Trump Suggests Everyone Hire Armed Bodyguards
Washington- In light of recent acts of mass violence witnessed across the nation, President Trump has suggested that everyone should just go ahead and hire some personal armed guards. He was quoted […]
6 Alternatives to the Basic “U up?” Text
As the sun sets and the darkness rises, so do many male appendages. It’s the freakin weekend bitches! Which means one thing: time to get down and dirty. However, no matter how […]
Fourth Crown Fall Break Horoscopes
Aries (March 20-April 19): Look, Aries, no one has had a great 2018. In all, the year has been trash from beginning to end. We’ve all been so distracted by the news […]
