St. Peter, MN- A recent bill proposed by congressional Republicans would rid the legislative branch of any form of well-researched debate and would instead use wrestling matches between supporters and opponents to […]
Congress Looking to Abolish Debates In Favor of Wrestling Matches
Gustavus and Saint Olaf Seemingly Locked in Racist Duel
Southern Minnesota — Following yet another racially motivated bias incident, experts have concluded that portions of the student bodies at Minnesota private colleges Gustavus Adolphus and Saint Olaf are locked in some […]
Reflecting on Over a Year of the Fourth Crown’s Moral Degeneration
SAINT PETER,MN- As Journalists of the Fourth Crown continue to cyberbully losers with different viewpoints, the team can’t help but think about the amount of pain and suffering they have caused the […]
LineUs Improv Comedy Troupe to Become ShineUs Social Justice Group
SAINT PETER– After months of deliberation, Gustavus’s one and only improvisational comedy group has decided to become a social justice group on campus. In an interview with two-year member McKenzie […]
Plotting Zoo Prepares Students for Evil Deeds
SAINT PETER, MN- With the loss of millions of dollars and several deposits from incoming first-years, the Gustavus community faces humiliation after mistakenly booking a “Plotting Zoo” instead of the intended “Petting […]
Satan Ranks Gustavus #7 in Overall Closeness to God
SAINT PETER, MN – After Sunday’s service, the Chaplain’s office announced that it had received a Facebook notification from Satan. “Let me be honest and say that when I saw that Satan […]
Donald Trump Looking to Rage-Quit Presidency
St. Peter, MN- With the firing of FBI Director James Comey it has become clear that President Donald Trump has finally decided to rage-quit the presidency. “Rage-Quitting,” is an idea that […]
WikiLeaks Targets Fourth Crown, Leaked Documents Reveal Disturbing Information About Editors
St. PETER, MN – “I’m honestly not that surprised,” said Brian Pfeiffer, a former reader of the Fourth Crown. “If half of the stuff on that list is true, than it would […]
Study Finds The Fourth Crown is, Among Other Things, Mostly Illiterate
SAINT PETER, MN–After the first annual Fourth Crown Demographic Survey, a plethora of statistics have been made public. A sample of these statistics are published below. 90% of Fourth Crown […]
Some Guy That Only Knows Three Chords Plays Piano Outside Caf For 10 Hours Straight
Open Mic Night who? Yesterday, some guy played the beloved piano outside the cafeteria for ten hours straight! From 3 pm to 11 pm, Piano Guy played hits like: Don’t Stop Believin’, […]
