ST. PETER, MN—Recently, Gustavus students have been tormented by especially strong breezes, causing widespread pain, suffering, and ruined hairstyles. Here are 5 tips to avoid getting blown away: Don’t. If it can […]
5 Tips for Surviving the Gustie Gusts
St. Peter Domino’s Thankful for Caf Closing at 7:45 PM
ST. PETER, MN- Thanksgiving is here and Gusties are finding all sorts of things to be thankful for. Whether it’s an 8 AM class on a Monday, a teacher who gives you […]
Counseling Center Fully Booked Until Spring 2032
ST PETER, MN — The end of the fall semester is upon us, and as the hours of daylight decrease, so does the collective mental stability of students. Gustavus is an institution […]
Career Development adding Large Paper Bag to Scream Into to their Graduate School Prep Program
ST. PETER, MN — As we approach the middle of the school year, many students interested in continuing their higher education are either considering or filling out applications to graduate school. The […]
Biden Spins Wheel to See Who He Invades Next
WASHINGTON, DC – Following the Biden administration’s controversial decision to withdraw the United States from Afghanistan, culminating in the fall of its capital city Kabul to the Taliban, American soldiers have been […]
Ok This Has Been Fun, Can We Be Done Now, Please?
ST. PETER, MN — It is day 72 of this godforsaken semester. Thanksgiving break is taunting the student populace from its spot that lies a week away. Midterms have drained the souls […]
Bust of Carl Linnaeus Releases Anti-Woke Comedy Special
ST. PETER, MN – “Folks, I’m gonna be honest with you here,” said the bronze bust of Carl Linnaeus, teetering behind the microphone, “I’ve been cancelled.” The phrase, clanging out of the […]
Whoa! “I Prefer Direct Communication” Roommate Cries when Asked to do Their Dishes
ST. PETER, MN – We all know them, the roommate who proudly checks “Direct Communication” on the roommate agreement form at the beginning of the year, and assures you that they “love […]
SART Adds Harassment and Issues Questionable Rebranding As SHART
ST. PETER, MN – The Sexual Assault Response Team, more commonly known as SART, has long been an essential campus resource for all students. Recently, SART has determined that they were not […]
ROTC Students Infuriated After Being Refused Veterans Discount in Caf
ST. PETER, MN – ROTC students across campus were furious this past weekend when Dining Service employees refused to give them a Veterans discount. An incident occurred on Sunday morning when Blake […]
The Fourth Crown 