SAINT PETER, MN- Campus Safety received an emergency call after an incredibly strong smell of caf steak fries wafted from beneath a door in Prairie View. Upon investigation, campus security officials discovered […]
Student Confuses ‘Netflix and Chill’ with ‘Netflix and Kill’
Southwest Fire Alarms Caused By Student Sticking Dick in Toaster
ST. PETER, MN – “In my defense,” sophomore Bill Mothersbaugh told us from his hospital bed in the burn ward. “That toaster was pretty hot. How could I not let nature take […]
Fourth Crown Writers Will Be At The Involvement Fair Begging
SAINT PETER, MN — Tuesday, September 12th 2017. The day has come. Every Student Organization on campus is about to bombard unsuspecting first years- and all Gusties- with reasons to join their […]
Gustie Greeters Under Hazing Investigation After Forcing Freshman to Read a Book
SAINT PETER, MN- The student organization, Gustie Greeters, are allegedly under a hazing investigation after six students came forward to share their harrowing orientation experience. As per tradition, members of the Freshman […]
5 Tips For When You Greet Becky
St. Peter, MN- We all know that meeting Becky for the first time is almost as terrifying as reading Frankenstein is boring. Luckily, our research team here at The Fourth Crown has […]
JoNes Van Hecke was a Jonas Brother
SAINT PETER, MN — Hello, Gustavus students; we welcome you to campus with a sincere hello and a spicy dish on our very own Dean of Students, JoNes VanHecke. After spending an […]
Congress Looking to Abolish Debates In Favor of Wrestling Matches
St. Peter, MN- A recent bill proposed by congressional Republicans would rid the legislative branch of any form of well-researched debate and would instead use wrestling matches between supporters and opponents to […]
Gustavus and Saint Olaf Seemingly Locked in Racist Duel
Southern Minnesota — Following yet another racially motivated bias incident, experts have concluded that portions of the student bodies at Minnesota private colleges Gustavus Adolphus and Saint Olaf are locked in some […]
Reflecting on Over a Year of the Fourth Crown’s Moral Degeneration
SAINT PETER,MN- As Journalists of the Fourth Crown continue to cyberbully losers with different viewpoints, the team can’t help but think about the amount of pain and suffering they have caused the […]
LineUs Improv Comedy Troupe to Become ShineUs Social Justice Group
SAINT PETER– After months of deliberation, Gustavus’s one and only improvisational comedy group has decided to become a social justice group on campus. In an interview with two-year member McKenzie […]
