ST. PETER, MN – It is with a heavy heart that the Fourth Crown is forced to report that the long-beloved statue of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke. That’s right – the […]
BREAKING: The Bust of Gustavus Adolphus has Gone Woke
JK Rowling Spontaneously Combusts After British Monarch Transitions to a Man
LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM – With Lizzie finally in a box, the coronation of King Charles III in the United Kingdom went off without a hitch last Saturday. That is, of course, unless […]
Graduating Philosophy Major Beginning to Express Some Regret
ST. PETER, MN– With graduation right around the corner for the class of 2023, many seniors are beginning to feel sentimental about their imminent departure from the hill. Feelings of sadness, excitement, […]
STOP ST ALING TH FUCKING L TT RS
COLLEG AV – Alrighty, dickh ads. Frankly, I’v had nough of this shit for a lit ral lif tim. It’s almost graduation. Just one last month of this shitshow. AND SOM FUCKING […]
No, Seniors, Blackbear isn’t Coming. But Something Better Is…
ST. PETER, MN – Only the oldest and wisest among us remember the pre-COVID glory days of Gustavus, the rumored “buffet line” in the caf, Nemo the campus cat, and yes, the […]
WHY PROVOST KELLY DESERVES A SIX FIGURE SALARY AND HOW YOU CAN GET ONE TOO
CARLSON ADMINISTRATION BUILDING – This week’s budget transparency panel hosted by President Bergman, Dean VanHecke and Provost Kelly left students with more questions than answers, despite the Provost’s comments assuring students that […]
GAC Hunger Games: Who Gets to Keep Their Job?
ST. PETER, MN – This morning, Gustavus Administration made a shocking announcement: to account for the college’s current financial situation, every member of the faculty is now being forced to participate in […]
Bust of Carl Linnaeus Bre̸̡̡̛̠͚̫̦̹̥̿̍͊̔͌̉̀̿̇͂̕͠a̴̰͂̍͊̐̿̿̂̃̔̚c̷͈̘̀hes Cont̶̡̘͈̬̖͖͕̟͓̩̝̘͕̭̠̿a̵͉̥͖̳͔̪̐̀̕i̸̱̺̭͖̱̯̙͎̠̪̮͉͖̱͛̓͆̒̋̋̋͒̒͝n̵̡͍͇̺̪̥̠̅́̽͊͘ḿ̴̛͈̜̲͔̯͖̣͔̠̘̩̥͕̄͛͑̈͗̀̀͜͝ͅé̸̦͇̣͎͚͂͐̎͛̾͜n̶̠̏̿t
SAINT PETER, MN – Ever since the Linnaeus Deliberation Circle made the decision to remove the name of Carl Linnaeus from the Arboretum at Gustavus Adolphus College in 2021, the bust of […]
Shell Corporations Announces “Free Gas Day” to Coincide with Earth Day
ST PETER, MN – April 22nd was the perfect day to swing by the local Shell gas station and pick up a gallon of free gasoline. When we spoke to Shell CEO […]
Paramilitary Death Squads Restore Bergman Regime Following Ted’s Revolt
ST. PETER, MN – Gusties were overjoyed last week when celebratory bells sounded in Christ Chapel, proclaiming the victory of Ted from the Caf over the forces of the Bergman Regime. Ted’s […]
The Fourth Crown 