Aries (March 20-April 19): Aries, babe, listen. You’ve been really stressed out: midterms, work, the ten million lady bugs infecting campus. It’s a lot to handle. Sucks to be you I guess. […]
Fall Break Horoscopes
Lowly Info Desk Worker Stops Raging First-Year Performing “Wall Twerk” at Friday’s Dive Dance
ST PETER MN- It was a typical Friday night on the hill last weekend. There was someone throwing up alcohol in Co-ed, sophomore Peter Barnes was being chased by the sexually-charged ghost […]
Junior Student Posts Snap Story to Show Ex ‘how Totally okay she is’
SAINT PETER,MN-Junior Wendy Hughes reportedly “got all dolled up” last night to “Have a good time! Just have a fun night and make some memories!” The Fourth Crown’s expert linguists translated this […]
G-Sharp to Play Antagonists in Pitch Perfect 3
SAINT PETER, MN- It was revealed this week that G-Sharp is cast to play the antagonists in the upcoming film “Pitch Perfect 3.” After winning over the hearts of fellow Gusties with […]
Harvey Weinstein Confused, Thought 500 Word Essay Enough to be Forgiven
Los Angeles, CA- Harvey Weinstein, notorious sexual assailant who also made some movies, voiced confusion over the fact that he was still in trouble after writing a 500 word essay about why […]
History Club to Host Gladiatorial Games in the Shakespeare Pit
SAINT PETER, MN- The Gustavus History Club announced plans this week to host a series of gladiatorial games in the Shakespeare Pit over the next coming weeks. The apparent motivation for this […]
Flu Clinic Accidentally Administers Anthrax Instead of Vaccines
St. Peter, MN- “So those anti-vaccine types were half-right,” said nursing student Luanne Knutsson earlier today. “Autism wasn’t the main concern, but it was something else that started with an ‘A’!” It came […]
Campus Cats Return to Human Form After Breaking a Forty Year Curse
SAINT PETER, MN- Students were stunned as the beloved resident felines, Cooper and Nemo, turned into human form in front of their eyes. It was quite the scene according to eyewitness Shelly […]
Already Sick of Your Roommate? Here are 10 ways to stifle that hatred
St. Peter, MN-We’re getting to that point in the year where you’re finding out how terrible living with your current roommate really is. Maybe she was your best friend freshman year and […]
Eight Injured After Scaling Caf’s Brick Stickers
SAINT PETER,MN- Eight students were injured this past Saturday following an unprecedented event sponsored by Gustavus student organization, Gusties Will Rock (climb.) Held in the Evelyn Young Dining room, student participants gathered […]
