Confused Board of Trustees Irrevocably Repeals Indoor Smoking Ban

SAINT PETER – After a wave of student advocacy for an all-campus smoking ban, a confused Board of Trustees briefly discussed and passed an irrevocable measure that immediately dissolves the standing indoor smoking ban on campus.

“The students were saying something, and we listened up,” claimed Board Chair George G. Hicks, ‘75. “Unfortunately, due to the volume of emails and calls we received, we opted to respond with speed, rather than accuracy,” Hicks said, of the resolution that permits “any and all tobacco products” in every residential and academic building on campus, including the C. Charles Jackson Student Center.

“Naturally, we’re outraged,” responded Jaden Schealy, ‘15, head of the Gustavus Tobacco-Free Initiative, whose movement mistakenly instigated the change. “After all of our hard work, to have our progress not only stopped, but permanently reversed? It’s egregious,” quipped Schealy in his College View apartment, as he took drag after drag from a half-empty carton of his newly-legal Marlboro Virginia-Cut Cigarettes.

Hicks went on to say that “while this policy may seem disastrous, unfortunately our college’s bylaws clearly state that we cannot repeal an amendment such as this without the blessing of the head of the Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Synod.” This clause will be a mighty challenge to fulfill, as the Augustana Synod ceased to exist in 1962.

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