CAMPUS NEWS

Children’s Section in Library to be Eliminated and Replaced with President Ohle’s Complete Punk Music Catalog

SAINT PETER— Students and faculty are in an unsurprising uproar following the release of Gustavus President Jack Ohle’s proposed renovation plans to Folke Bernadotte Memorial Library. The proposed changes include removing the children’s section of the basement and replacing it with his entire catalog of punk music.

In a statement released by the President’s office, the new space will “pay homage to the impressive and rather obscene collection of punk rock music amassed by President Ohle. The large catalog will serve as a memorial to the man who will undoubtedly go down in the history books as the College’s 16th president.”

Ohle commented saying that he “wanted to leave his mark on this great Swedish Lutheran institution. I can think of no better way than with my impressive collection.”

The catalog is rumored to feature a large variety of punk genres on 8-track, vinyl, as well as cassettes and compact discs. Says Ohle, “Here at Gustavus Adolphus College we make a strong commitment to diversity, and my punk rock collection showcases a truly diverse array of music. What better way to reflect upon this great institution’s core values?”

Ohle continues, “In addition to all the punk classics, I’m truly excited to share with Gustavus students the whole gamut of punk. I’m particularly fond of my horror punk discs. I know students and faculty alike will really enjoy the album “Diagnosis for Death” by Dr. Chud’s X-Ward. Just ten seconds of hearing The Murp lay down his sick beats on the trap set will have them all a drooling mess.”

One corner of the children’s section is set to be scrapped and filled with a few hardwood shelves and a sign that simply reads “Memories.” These shelves will contain the albums most endeared by Ohle throughout various moments in his life.

“Those seeking a journey like no other can explore those shelves,” says Ohle, as he holds up a tattered vinyl record by The Subhumans. “This English anarcho-punk band was on constantly during my courtship with Kris. I hope students can relive those parts of my life that literally nobody else has had to experience.”

At press time, Ohle was last seen gently caressing an album by the band Corrosion of Conformity.

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