CAMPUS NEWS

First-Year Disappointed in Eckman Mall’s Lack of Forever 21; Food Court

SAINT PETER- First-year student Kelsey Rasmussen was overheard telling friends and family she was “just really confused” about the dearth of retail venues along Eckman Mall, the college’s 400 yard strip consisting of breathtaking flora and several panoramic viewpoints of southern Minnesota’s rolling hills. “I came to the Mall to get a new piercing and some Panda [Express],” said the beleaguered Minnetonka native. “I swear, everytime I go to a mall other than Ridgedale it’s like another world. Seriously, I tried to return my Uggs at MOA one time and they didn’t even have a [expletive] outlet. I don’t get how people live like this.”

Rasmussen first voiced her disappointment in a recent Facebook post added from her room in Norelius Hall. “I only came to this shit school because I really hate purple. So, I couldn’t go to St. Thomas… allso [sic], they didnt let me in. I looked a tthe [sic] college map and saw a Mall, so I told my parents I want to go their [sic] for college. Now I’ll probs [sic] transfer to Olaf or something.”

Both the college and Rasmussen’s father, a prosperous Dermatologist practicing in Edina, MN, have issued no official response to Rasmussen’s qualms. News outlets anticipate no response from the administration that has frequently avoided discourse with students whose twitter bios feature claims such as “just a wild girl trying to rock you’re [sic] world. add me on snapchat ;).”

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