SAINT PETER- Professor of Chemistry Scott Bur, in conjunction with the architecture firm Hastings & Chivetta, has confirmed plans for a holistic renovation of the Nobel Hall of Science scheduled to be completed in time for the college’s bicentennial. The major changes will feature major internal and external facelifts, as well as installation of new laboratory equipment that will be entirely obsolete just in time for the ribbon cutting.

“It’s very exciting, to be able to look ahead to working with sophisticated machinery that will only be slightly, but still definitely behind every national industry standard and safety policy,” Bur said. “To be able to send our graduates into the world with experimental knowledge that is officially categorized as ‘out-of-date’ rather than ‘charmingly archaic?’ Now that is a thrilling prospect.”

The new Nobel will be physically linked to the Olin hall of physics via an elevated walkway, thereby bringing the two most miserable groups of students into uncomfortably close contact with one another.

The project will cost an estimated $50,000,000, which will be supplied through a combination of alumni donations, endowment contributions, and pure delusion.