SAINT PETER—Since his hire in early Decemeber, rookie Campus Safety officer Vic Pascutti has set a Gustavus record eighty-three underage drinking busts. Pascutti, whom Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher called a “straight-shooter with a hard-on for justice,” is making a name for himself throughout the campus and the office of Campus Safety.

“Since getting booted from the police department, I’ve found an environment I can thrive in,” Pascutti told reporters with a group of rowdy, bruised, and intoxicated sophomores in hand.

However, Pascutti’s presence on campus has not been unanimously welcomed. Junior Matt McFadden called Pascutti a “total dick.” Pascutti’s hire has also been controversial in Campus Safety. Sergeant Michael British said, “Pascutti is a loose cannon. Reckless. I’m not letting him near the trike.”

Pascutti responded, “Sarge is sarge. He’s afraid of change. So what if I bust a few skulls here and there. I am the law!”

Biermacher reiterated her support of Pascutti in a later comment: “Vic is doing what nobody else has been able to do on this campus. He’s creating change, and he’s doing it because he does his own thing…Actually, when I think about it, I’m kind of scared of him.”

Pascutti’s Patrol Vehicle