CASTLE TRE KRONOR, SWEDEN- In a historic move, the Minnesota Interscholastic Athletic Conference has named Junior Women’s Volleyball player Gustav II Adolf, King of Sweden, their Athlete of the Week. Citing “the outstanding ability of Gus to utilize French funds from the Treaty of Bärwalde to consolidate northern Protestant power and crush Count Tserclaes’ Catholic Horde,” the MIAC honored the 37-year old sovereign in a brief blurb on their website.
“The kid has a consistent serve,” the site wrote about the Lion of the North, who is reported to have ridden into many 17th century battles barechested and screaming “The Lord God is my Armor!” Gustavus Head Volleyball coach Rachelle Sherden also praised Adolf for leadership when the team is down, a skill he likely learned in the 1631 First Battle of Breitenfield (Schlacht bei Breitenfeld).
Sherden also attributed Gus’ game-winning ace serve in their conference opener vs. St. Olaf, a match which strategically resembled the 1632 Battle of Lutzen, in which Gus was killed while leading a cavalry charge.
The MIAC-issued certificate will be on display next to the King’s tomb and under the coat of arms of the Kungliga Serafimeroden at Riddarholmskyrkan in Stockholm, Sweden.
At press time, Gustav could not be reached for comment, due either to tonight’s important match at Bethel College, or the fact that he has been deceased for 381 years.