SAINT PETER- First-year student Meghan Christiansen has announced to friends and families that she is entirely unfazed by a subpar grade in her first collegiate biology course, claiming she can “still totally make it into Med School as long as I do good in o chem.” Christiansen has identified absolutely no conflict between low grades in the introductory sciences and a career in medicine, which requires a nuanced understanding of the intricate scientific principles of living systems. Shortly after first semester grades were posted, Meghan shared via Twitter that she “can’t wait 2 b a doctor so I can afford more Dolce & Gabbana.”

While the median scientific GPA for public medical schools is 3.75, Meghan is confident in her combination of 1.67 and (Withdrawal) in introductory biology and chemistry, respectively. Christiansen explained her optimism by pointing out that “even if the average is that high, I already have almost 2 points. I just need to score like 2 more next semester and I’m in.”

Christiansen, who “didn’t really study” in high school, is confident her patterns of last-minute studying and thrice-weekly binge drinking will set her up for her medical school experience, which has been empirically proven to increase the risk of burnout and suicidal ideation while virtually guaranteeing a lower quality-of-life than non-medical students. “It’s whatever, I can work hard when I need to,” wrote in Christiansen to the Crown.

While many prestigious medical schools have acceptance rates below 3%, Christiansen remains unconcerned, having assured her parents that “even if I don’t get into the U’s med school, I can just go to community medical school or something.”