Next Year Might Actually Be The Year For Gustavus Football, I Think

UPDATE, 9-6-14: In the wake of Gustavus’ sweeping defeat of Crown College, this year has indeed been confirmed as the year for Gustavus football, probably.

SAINT PETER—Wild speculation continues this week following the news that the Gustavus football team could possibly go all the way in its upcoming season. Insider sources have confirmed the possibility that next year the team may finally overcome the mountain of doubt facing them and have a good shot at post-season play.

Head coach Peter Haugen confidently stated at a press conference that next season, “we are going to take it to the big house.” This euphemism, presumably describing the act of victory on the sports field or winning an important final game to clinch playoff hopes, was lost on the audience at the conference, most of whom had never heard the phrase uttered before by a Gustavus football coach.

Rumors continue to circulate whether there is any truth to Haugen’s claims, and at this rate it would appear that there’s a chance that they might be true.

With the addition of transfer student Collin Jenkees as punter, things might be looking up for the beleaguered football team, which was able to finish 6-4 last season. Jenkees’ transfer from Iowa State to Gustavus, “marks the beginning of a new era for Gustavus football,” says Haugen. “We believe that Jenkees’ impressive punting record is the catalyst that this program needs.”

When asked whether all of the team’s next season hopes were indeed riding solely on the leg of Jenkees, Haugen replied, “Yep. Absolutely. Next question please.” He ignored reporters when pressed for more information regarding  the new punter. Growing increasingly frustrated, he responded in a huff, “Look, I can’t disclose my game plans. But all I’m going to say right now is that there’s going to be a hell of a lot of punts. I’m just playing the hand fate dealt me. We’re done here.”

Some commenters have speculated this may not end up being that monumental of a season, but are expressing their hope that there is always the year after. Many are saying that might be the year the team goes big.

Categories: SPORTS