CAMPUS NEWS

Gustavus Greens Classified as “Gang (Pressing Threat)” by FBI

WASHINGTON, D.C.- In a dossier released earlier this morning, the Gustavus Greens, a campus group dedicated to “promoting environmental sustainability and awareness,” has been categorized as a Gang (Pressing Threat) by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Citing “the organization’s strict adherence to a thematic color, as well as their firm resistance to the ‘status quo,’” FBI spokesman Michael Kortan has advised the public to report Gustavus Green activity to their gang-prevention hotline, 1-800-277-GANG.

The FBI’s Violent Gang Task Force has been deployed to St. Peter to monitor and subdue the Greens, whose past initiatives have included Earth Week celebrations, plant sales, tai chi sessions, and the introduction of the Divest Gustavus movement. To promote supposedly ethical stewardship of our nation’s priceless natural resources, the Greens have often utilized vague threats to coerce their members into action, as displayed in a March, 2012 Facebook post from the groups page instructing their foot soldiers to “please check [their] emails!”

The United States, which ranks 12th in the world for carbon emissions, has made significant strides in recent years to climb this prestigious ranking. Groups such as the Greens, who exist solely to hamper the nation’s advancement in this category, are increasingly becoming targets of federal gang proliferation.

Spokesman Kortan also discussed the threat of affiliation between the Greens and other national gangs, such as the Bloods, Crips, Jets, and Sharks. “The history of Mexican drug cartels is of particular concern in our anti-Greens efforts in St. Peter. These groups, which began as separate entities typically transporting one type of drug, such as cocaine or heroin, identified their mutual ends and allied with one another to devastating effect. There are too many parallels between these drug-drug mergers and the possibility of a drug-environmental justice merger.”

Senior Becky Rabett, co-president of the Greens, has since been taken into custody shortly after sharing an article on Facebook about “top 10 reasons to divest from Big Oil.”

Kortan finished the conference by reminding the public of the linguistic analog between “Divest Gustavus” and “Die, Gustavus.”

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Categories: CAMPUS NEWS, OFF THE HILL