BREAKING—BedLoft announced this afternoon that lofts, futons, and refrigerators rented from the popular dorm-furnishing service would be scheduled for pickup on Monday, February 10th, 2014.
BedLoft Public Relations Manager Jessica Rothberg commented that the new pickup date reflects a new business model for its parent company, Illinois-based Collegiate Marketing. “We believe that we can improve turnaround by making the pickup date just a little bit earlier. We’re moving our timeline up by several months, so get ready to see the profits soar!”
Collegiate Marketing confirmed that it would no longer be picking up rented equipment during finals week of 2014’s spring semester, as it has previously done for literally every other year.
Rothberg commented that the pickup method on February 10th would be new as well. “We’re piloting a really exciting new program. We’ve cut down staff members on scene and are going with just two truck drivers. Trucks will be continuously moving around campus. Students will need to get their loft, refrigerator, and/or futon into the back of the trailer while it is in motion. They will stop for no one. We anticipate a huge increase in efficiency and savings this way. God knows the workers did shit all when we used to have students drop off their furniture.”
With pickup day fast approaching, students are encouraged to be careful when returning lofts. Snow accumulation and ice buildup could make for dangerous conditions while hefting an awkwardly shaped metal frame across campus in pursuit of the BedLoft trailer.
BedLoft assures students that their refrigerator security deposits would most likely be returned on the February 10th return date. “Can’t guarantee anything though. This accelerated timeline is really screwing us over,” says Rothberg.