Fraternity Adopts Child Instead of Highway Due to Paperwork Mistake

SAINT PETER—In an attempt to boost their philanthropic efforts in the community, Gustavus fraternity Eta Xi Omega has accidentally adopted a three-month-old from Vietnam while attempting to adopt a section of Minnesota Highway 22 near Mankato.

“Well, shit,” J.J. O’Reilly, Eta Xi Omega’s president, said, “I thought we were going to be picking up diapers from the side of the road. Now we are changing them, I guess.”

Philanthropy Chairman Ben Ramsey told reporters, “The applications were so similar…Quite frankly, it alarms me how hard it is to adopt a highway and how easy it is to adopt an infant.”

“I don’t know a thing about raising a child, but we are going to make things work with little Jennifer—we’re naming her Jennifer,” O’Reilly said. “I mean, we didn’t expect this little bundle of joy, but she is going to be a big part of this fraternity.”

Rush Leader Ian Harrison mirrored O’Reilly’s sentiments about the infant’s future in the organization:  “I’m sure there are going to be times when we are sick and tired of waking up at 4 am to feed the baby, and that’s when we will make the pledges do it.”

The brothers of Eta Xi Omega still have yet to hear back from the Inter-Greek Senate as to whether raising a child will count for volunteer hours.