CAMPUS NEWS

Matt Timmons Declares “I am the Senate;” Consolidates Wartime Powers

SAINT PETER- In an unprecedented show of executive power, Student Senate Co-President Matthew Timmons has indefinitely expanded the abilities of his office by suspending the writ of habeas corpus and by modifying the quorum rule such that all measures “deemed appropriate by the Executive may be passed with no witnessing party.” The change, which Timmons has lauded as “a major victory for fans of progress and democracy,” has met little resistance from other Senate members, all of whom are currently enjoying the leaves of absence made mandatory under subsection IV-C of Timmons’ modifications.

Chancellor Timmons has utilized his new powers to make several aesthetic changes to campus. Students may have noticed the erection of a portrait of Timmons in the lobby of each residence hall, or the modification of the college’s five core values from Excellence, Service, Community, Justice, and Faith to Obedience, Conformity, Obedience, Docility, and Obedience.

In an announcement automatically broadcasted on all campus computers on loop throughout the day, Timmons expressed his gratitude for the “heartwarming, entirely voluntary support” he has received from students, senators, and administrators alike. Imperial Magnate Timmons thanked his body politic for “the support you would have shown me” in the 2014 election cycle, as well as their approbation for the election’s cancellation. In the broadcast, filmed at the newly-renovated Palacio Real de Timmon (formerly the home of Jack and Kris Ohle), Timmons thanked the previous leadership for their years of service before exuberantly bellowing the Rouser to commemorate the erection of a bust of the Chief Magistrate atop the college’s Timmons Chapel.

E TIMMONS NOBIS VIRES

Strength comes to us from Timmons.

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