SAINT PETER- In keeping with the organization’s efforts to fight the early stages of alcoholism which are often initiated in collegiate settings, Alcoholics Anonymous has relocated their regional headquarters to the back three rows of the college’s infamous Gus Bus. The shuttle, which operates on Friday and Saturday nights from 8pm-2am, is used heavily by inebriated Gusties to transport them from their campus housing to locations described by AA as “charming pits of drunken debauchery.”
“Here at AA, we’re focused on fighting alcoholism as soon as possible,” wrote Megyn Smiernof, Alcoholics Anonymous’ regional coordinator in a press statement released this Tuesday. “The latest research shows that the precise location where the majority of alcoholism emerges in the American Midwest is the back seats of Gustavus Adolphus College’s weekend shuttle, the ‘Gus Bus,’ and that’s exactly why we’re permanently moving our 14-member team to this habit-forming hotbed. We’re eager to see students enter the bus holding beer, but leaving holding brochures.”
“From a medical standpoint, the Gus Bus is alcoholism’s equivalent of discovering the very bird from which the Avian Flu originated,” commented Stephen Graynbelte, Deputy Director of the World Health Organization’s Taskforce Against Alcoholism. “We applaud the efforts of AA to hit disease at the point of contraction.” Student displeasure with the new office has been vocal and rather slurred. As rumor of the news began to circulate, several students organized a protest scheduled for Saturday, February 8 at 11:00 am. Unsurprisingly, no activists attended the event due to their crippling hangovers.