With Valentine’s Day upon us, The Fourth Crown has all the tips you need for a successful, romantic holiday:

• Avoid showering for the week leading up to Valentines Day and instead apply a different cologne each day.

• Spending the day alone? Cheer up by ordering a sheet cake from the caf decorated with an image of Leonardo DiCaprio and spend the entire night eating it alone in your room while you watch The Runaway Bride.

• Let your special someone know you’re interested by peeing on all of their belongings.

• Attract the attention of your potential mate by strutting and flailing your plumage.

• Assert dominance by killing competing love interests in front of your potential mate and wrapping them in your web.

• Initiate interaction with the male with light scratching, pawing, and purring.

• Males: Remember that females will look exclusively at the pattern on your belly fur.

• If worst comes to worst, call up your ex and spend the night with them.