Even JoNes VanHecke Not Sure What to Capitalize in JoNes VanHecke

SAINT PETER- In a recent statement from the Dean of Students Office, Dr. Joness Vanhecke has admitted that even she is unaware of which letters to capitalize in her name, Jone S. Vanhecke. Dean Van Hecki made the announcement in a public conference after an influx of student letters requesting a clarification.

Towards the end of the emotional announcement, Jonas admitted “honestly, it’s been an issue my whole life. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve written in all upper case letters just to avoid confronting the issue. My Gustavus diploma was officially bestowed upon ‘you know who!’ While this has been a source of adversity, I’d like to think it has made me a stronger person.”

The issue has frequently brought the DoS under legal scrutiny for violating federal law which expressly forbids the opening of U.S. mail addressed to another person. With an estimated 8,441 letters having come through her campus mailbox throughout her career, Dean Vaneki has opened over 7,000 pieces of mail not expressly belonging to her, much to the lament of college attorney Vincent Thompson. “With federal law spelling out a 5-year sentence for each individual act of mail theft, Joe N.S. VanHickie could at any time be prosecuted for up to 35,000 years of jail time. The cost of finding an interim Dean throughout his/her absence would be crippling,” Thompson said.

Many students have expressed concern with their inability to compliment Gonez on her performance as Dean. “I’ve wanted to thank [garbled] for her undying commitment to making this campus a fun, but safe place for all Gusties, but how can I do that without addressing her by name?” said senior English major Jon Vandenjonsen in a phone interview shortly following the official college brief.

Joan Esvenhecki concluded the conference by asking the college community to refer to her simply as “DJ Cool.”

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