BREAKING—Following Monday’s heavy morning snowfall, insider sources have revealed that Physical Plant’s workers just really don’t feel like going out and clearing the several inches of snow accumulation with pending forecasts predicting 17 inches of snow over the next four days. The department, whose job description includes removing snow and ice buildup on the campus’ sidewalks and streets, has yet to respond to the precipitation. Citing “the warmer weather that will be coming in a few weeks” and that “it’s basically spring,” the workers have collectively agreed that they won’t really be doing a  thing to ensure safe sidewalks for student and faculty.

Physical Plant’s fleet of trucks, most of which are equipped with snow plows and sand hoppers, were last seen sitting in a campus parking lot, untouched, and covered with at least three inches of snow buildup. When asked why Physical Plant has yet to respond, Warren Wunderlich, the Physical Plant director, was quoted saying, “at this point in the season, all the guys are pretty much done with the whole ‘snow thing.’ I mean if we throw down any more sand, its gonna be a goddang beach out there. I think we’ll just sit this one out and let good ol’ Mother Nature run her course.”

The Fourth Crown staff would like to highlight the parody in this article to our readers, and take a moment to seriously thank the Gustavus Physical Plant for their hard work in battling Minnesota’s unforgiving elements. Your work is often thankless, but so critical to keeping our campus bustling. Thank you!