This Saturday marks the annual Case Day, an unofficial campus holiday in which a handful of students attempt to drink 24 beers in 24 hours. While the tradition has been described as “everything that is wrong with the collegiate world,” it annually returns to the fore of Gustavus’ collective consciousness. The Fourth Crown has assembled these 24 tips to help guide you through this infamous date.
1. Don’t do Case Day.
2. Be a 280 pound male.
3. Cut down those dangerous carbohydrates in beer by substituting your case for 24 shots of an efficient hard liquor, like Karkov.
4. Do not do Case Day.
5. Play a Michael Buble record and quietly (but firmly!) command your digestive system to not metabolize the alcohol.
6. Lend the holiday a vintage, ethnic feel by drinking your beers from an ox’s horn while singing an energetic yoik (the hill songs of northern Sweden’s indigenous Sami people).
7. Considering doing Case Day? Don’t do Case Day.
8. Drink your beer out of an inauspicious CamelBak hydration system and preface all of your interactions with others throughout the day with “I’m not doing Case Day.”
9. Instead of doing Case Day, start a new tradition of not doing Case Day.
10. Professors, employers, and administrators love to see Gusties who are involved in their school’s traditions- proudly wear your vomit-stained Case Day T-Shirt around campus as often as possible.
11. The best way to enjoy Case Day is by sitting back with a 24-pack of beer, and not drinking them. Don’t do Case Day.
12. The biggest threat to your safety on Case Day is putting too much fluid in your stomach- counter this by foregoing water for the three days prior to the event.
13. Help delude yourself into thinking your actions as a college student hold no bearing on your conduct as a real adult by posting thoughtless tweets bragging about your excessive alcohol consumption.
14. Feeling groggy from your first 12? Take a long country drive to cool yourself down.
15. Learn about the fine art of artisanal beer making! Here’s a great recipe to get you started for your first beer: combine 8 oz water, .75 oz rubbing alcohol, a pinch of delusion and a generous scoop of reckless abandon.
16. The alcohol in beer is only activated upon contact with the air. Avoid this by shotgunning all 24 of your cans.
17. I’mg thineksng the beres kkcikcing int!2 THsi hofs so fkngineg fun~
18. Create a fun drinking game based around audio records of the court cases of the Civil Rights Era! If you see an exemplification of white privilege, take a drink! If your case features a white judge, a white jury, white attorneys, and a black plaintiff, take a drink! If you just took a drink, take a drink!
19. Simulate the effects of Case Day by repeatedly hitting yourself in the eyeballs with a tiny hammer and drinking the liquid that pools at the bottom of the cafeteria dish carousel.
20. Use the strength you gain from your first 20 beers to activate the interactive potential of the Sesquicentennial Plaza tornado sculpture! Just keep pushing it until it spins!
21. Don’t do Case Day.
22. Buy a case of beer, t-shirt, and your cocktail of hangover remedies, then donate them to the Make-a-Wish foundation!
23. 24 books in the Hebrew Bible? Cheers to you, Ezra-Nehemiah!
24. Seriously, don’t do Case Day.