SAINT PETER- First-year Onalaska native Clive Timmerman expressed his disappointment to close online friends that his excitement for the campus’ annual Cape Day was a result of a typographical error. “As an aficionado of the entire Marvel Comics character milieu, all of my role models are cape-bedecked demigods. I was thrilled to learn Gustavus was a school that embraced my fetish for flowing bolts of fabric. You can imagine my crippling despair when I learned ‘case day’ was yet another invention of our campus’ social bourgeoisie,” posted Timmerman in an explosive Reddit post late Tuesday night. The thread, which garnered a record high nine upvotes for Timmerman, was posted on the popular subreddit /r/marvel.

In an exclusive interview with the Fourth Crown on Wednesday morning, Mr. Timmerman detailed the string of events that led to his tirade against “Kshatriyas of the college social hierarchy.” Mr. Timmerman, who immediately left his C.H.O.I.C.E. section of Norelius Hall upon hearing of “Cape Day” wearing a handcrafted purple cape meticulously recreated from Marvels X Men 63: the Triumph of Magneto, returned home brokenhearted after being sarcastically complemented by several residents of campus’ largest first-year residence hall. “Alas, I was assailed by three paradigms of douchebaggery as they returned home from ventures of the sporting variety. Woe was I to hear again the snickers of my feeble-minded classmates that have irked my becaped soul since I first became a follower of the neck-cloth in years past.”

Timmerman’s actions followed the tweet of Complex-resident and sophomore Management Major Joel Hauer (handle @guSWAGus), who shared that he is “finna get real turnt on cape day #turnt #FST.”