SAINT PETER—Campus Safety officers have been working around the clock for the last two days investigating an Overheard at Gustavus post reportedly coming from the third floor of the library, which has been a place of near monastic silence for years.

Officer Vic Pascutti investigated a post written by sophomore Erin Feinstein about overhearing a classmate wishing to “make sweet, sweet love to an Erbs & Gerbs sandwich right about now hahaha.” Pascutti said, “We are going to get this asshole who thinks it’s okay to open his damn mouth in all the wrong places.”

Students around campus are outraged over the incident. The post received a total of two likes, and Feinstein received major backlash to the tune of 45 comments scolding her for engaging in audible activity on the sacred third floor.

Feinstein has refused to face the press since the incident. Her lawyers maintain that she had no part in any illegal activity and was merely reporting what she had overheard.

Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher remains adamant in finding the details to one of the “most unforgivable offenses Gustavus has ever seen.” She said on Friday, “We’ve got Pascutti on the case, and he is a fucking caged animal. Nobody makes noise on that floor without getting jammed. This shit ends now.”