The Fourth Crown’s 24 Hour #CaseDay14 Coverage

By fourthcrown on February 22, 2014

Welcome to your source of campus news’ official Case Day 2014 coverage thread. We will be devotedly updating this page with the freshest news. Please engage with your college community by tweeting with the hashtag #CaseDay14, and Make Your News Count.

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BEMIDJI, MN- SUNDAY, 11:08:00 am CST: what in the hell happened last night

9:58:00 pm CST: Sophomore Josh Briggs, who just recovered from his friday night hangover, has just now decided to begin the Case Day festivities. “We only have one life to live, nobody can stop me,” Briggs was overheard shouting as he lugged a twenty-four pack into his room in Complex. Briggs has just over two hours to finish off the 24 beers.

5:23:00 pm CST: Rundstrom resident Michael Jacobson discovers that today is actually Case Day. The confused Jacobson could’ve sworn it wasn’t for at least a couple more weeks.

5:16:00 pm CST: Through our declining views throughout the day, The Fourth Crown has determined that alcohol-dependent students make up our core readership.

12:06:00 pm CST: I”msag sofa TURNT!!@

11:45:00 am CST: The Minnesota State Legislature has placed Complex Hall under a 24-hour, emergency curfew. St. Peter Police will be roaming the halls prepared to taze anybody seen outside of their rooms.

The Fourth Crown is also curating a constantly-updating twitterfall for our viewers to tune in, turn on, and turn up.

10:16:00 am CST: Several students have been overhead shouting, “Turn down for what?!” We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that there are several good reasons to “turn down,” such as your health, safety, self-respect, and the well-being of those around you.

9:26:00 am CST: The Fourth Crown would like to take the moment to remind our viewers that if at any point today you are asking yourself “is this really a good idea?” then it is most certainly not a good idea.

9:20:00 am CST: First-year student Mort Jonnes has taken all of Norelius Hall’s recycling containers into a scrap metal purchasing stand. His can collection was appraised at $1.4.

Campus Safety’s holding room is reported to be 14 students over capacity. The National Guard’s Red Arrow division has been dispatched to campus to help address the fear of prison riots.

7:07:00 am CST: Junior Reid Simpson, who has yet to wake up in time for his 10:30 am class, is up and ready to go for his #CaseDay14!

3:43:00 am CST: The ratio of Natty Lights in fridges to Campus Safety officers has reached 58,210 to 1.

12:55:00 am CST: O peaceful darkness, silence enveloping thy softly fallen snow in the midst of thine eternal night. Hasten thy ears and shed a river of silent tears to the sound of the opening of another Keystone Light.

12:07:00 am CST: Senior swimmer Kyle Tolleffssen has clinched the title of this year’s first case completer, finishing 24 Pabst Blue Ribbon beers in just under 8 minutes.

The St. Peter Police Department has arrived on campus to set up breathalyzer checkpoints every 10 feet along the Hello Walk.

12:00:00 am CST: With the sound of the City of St. Peter’s traditional Case Day Cannon, students begin their final preparations for Case Day 2014: Make Your Dependency Count. As the previous year’s Case Day Queen’s ceremoniously sacrificed body is laid before the AlcoHoly Temple of the 24th Can students across campus bow their heads in solemn remembrance of the history of this rich holiday.

In the meantime, the highly-trained C.H.O.I.C.E. Team 6 has been deployed to Norelius Hall’s substance-free A Tower armed with calculator batteries, ethernet cables, and DVDs of the 2009 Dungeons & Dragons World Championships.