SAINT PETER – Sophomore Gustavus student Ian Thompson has been taken into police custody regarding the assault of first-year burrito wrapper Megan Zillhart, whom Thompson allegedly wrapped in a yoga mat in front of hundreds of shocked student diners on Friday afternoon. In a statement from the St. Peter Police Department earlier today, Chief of Police Mike Ditkinssen announced the apprehension of Thompson and shared the Department’s opinion on “the toxic burrito-anger culture” at Gustavus.
Witnesses have reported that after Ian received his poorly wrapped bean-and-meat tube from the burrito line, he proceeded to have an acute, dissociative panic attack.
Thompson, a Chemistry major, had allegedly not slept the night before, instead writing a quantitative analysis lab report. Friends say he was on edge after his report was accidentally deleted three separate times throughout the night as his Dell computer kept crashing.
After receiving his burrito, Thompson froze; murmuring “this isn’t even close to Chipotle,” he hopped the plexiglass and began throwing handfuls of the whole-grain rice, taco beef, and pico de gallo into Megan’s face while singing a song about the Periodic Table of the Elements. Ian then seized a yoga mat from the backpack of a Lulu-Lemon clad bystander and told Megan she was about to receive some “on-site food service training.”
Fortunately Megan suffered only minor injuries, but was tightly coiled in the mat for almost two hours before being discovered in the bushes by police.
Ian continued his tirade by flipping tables in the caf, throwing food, and playing Pitbull music videos on the caf’s publically-controlled HDTVs. The St. Peter SWAT team negotiated with Ian for nearly an hour before he would put clothes on and come out from behind his blockade of caf tables. Chief of Police Ditkinssen explained that the SWAT team “really isn’t necessary except for the one or two times a semester when a science student flips the hell out over his burrito.”
Thompson is currently awaiting sentencing within the Nicollet County court system under Judge Jeff Kadnistolson, an official with extensive experience in collegiate burrito frustration crimes.