The Fourth Crown’s guest writer The Man reviews Gustavus’ production of the musical Hair. In addition to holding several prestigious government appointments, The Man is also an expert in keeping you down.

THE HALLS OF POWER, MN- When I first decided to view Gustavus Adolphus College’s production of Hair: the American Tribal Love-Rock Musical, I assumed it would be a stinging commentary on the foolishness of resisting Me and My friends here at the Establishment. Unfortunately, I could not have been more mistaken.

A robust vocal ensemble and airtight pit orchestra did little to mask the show’s explicit themes of agitation, immorality, and sticking it to Me. Walking into the theater, I was immediately overwhelmed by the cast’s unanimous disregard for order and cleanliness. After being seated in a strange, textile sack that could not possibly have been designed to support a Man of dignity such as Myself, I was approached by an unending string of barefoot vagrants, one of whom who was bearing the gut wrenching combination of an advanced pregnancy and a ring-free left hand.

Though I left shortly after the corners of an American flag shared the same surface as the unbathed feet of countless “hippies,” I did stay long enough to realize the show was not only acknowledging, but encouraging ignoring the meticulously manufactured method of being perfected by Myself in the mid-1950s. The celebration of deviation from the sacred, established norm of neat crew cuts in particular challenged My patience and forbearance.

Disgustingly, the show also advocates for the use of illegal drugs. At first, I assumed the characters were smoking tobacco (an addictive plant product which is burned and inhaled for a therapeutic effect), which I decided is completely acceptable and in no ways reprehensible. I found Myself horrified to discover the rambunctious bunch of nonconformists on stage was consuming marijuana (a non addictive plant product which is burned and inhaled for a therapeutic effect).

Hair stands as a glowing testament to the degenerative condition of American morality. My white, heterosexual, American, Protestant ancestors formulated a strict code of societal and sexual conduct to make sure Our kin stood behind society’s reigns for perpetuity. While I did decide that mixing of the races is… fine, Hair’s sexuality, substance abuse, and disregard for My favorite creation, the United States of America, insult Me to My heteronormative core. Songs such as “Sodomy” and “Kama Sutra” in Hair affront the order I have worked tirelessly to instill in society.

When I finally decided to leave the production after realizing the show bore no extensive metaphor for the merits of obedience and conformity, I walked back to My Lexus RX350 and wrote to My representatives at the College serving on the Board of Trustees and implored them to help Me put down the Gustavus Theatre Program for their blatant inability to accept My will. Last time college students tried to stick it to Me this hard, I gave you all Nixon. I’d urge you to remember that. God Bless Me.