SAINT PETER—In what officials are calling “perhaps the biggest, yet most unchangeable mistake in school history,” Matthew Timmons and Hayden Goldstein were named the next co-presidents of Gustavus Adolphus College. Former candidate Rebecca Bergman will instead run in their place in the upcoming Student Senate race alongside first-year Michael Longley.
“Wow, this was unprecedented,” said Goldstein, whose surprise quickly turned to panic. “I don’t know the first thing about being a college president. How the hell do you even fundraise that much money?”
Bergman, who many thought would be the next college president, was stunned: “I went to fucking Princeton…Princeton! And these children think they can take the job that was supposed to be mine!” At a later press conference, Bergman calmed down, telling reporters, “All I can do is look towards this Student Senate campaign and hopefully I can make a difference leading my peers of the student body.”
Some officials are crying foul after the election, claiming incumbent Senate Co-President Matthew Timmons had a hand in this since his recent “power play.” Timmons replied to these accusations, “I have no idea what you are talking about,” as he was being fitted for a 19th century style military uniform.
Chair of the Presidential Search Committee and Board of Trustees member Warren Beck simply told reporters, “That was weird, wasn’t it? But we honestly can’t do anything about it. It’s done now. We look forward to the Timmons/Goldstein era at Gustavus.”
Now that Bergman can no longer become college president, she and Michael Longley will be running a Student Senate campaign promoting a tobacco free campus and expanding Courtyard Café hours. Longley said, “Before, I didn’t have a chance. But with Rebecca, I think we can make some big changes around here, like maybe getting those Dive renovations going.”
Bergman closed her press conference saying, “A couple of weeks ago I was value stream mapping rhythm disease management, and now I will hopefully be allocating $250 to the German Club for their Bratwurst and Barbecue Picnic this spring. Things change quickly.”
Read more about Timmons’ “power play” here.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS