Misled Douchebag Confused at Keystone XL Protest

 WASHINGTON, D.C.—In one of the largest youth sit-ins in recent memory, first-year Sean Joseph was nearly arrested at the Keystone XL protest for mistakenly standing out against the Colorado-based beer brand, Keystone Light.

The protest challenged President Obama to block the construction of oil company TransCanada’s 1,664-mile extension to the Keystone Pipeline. Joseph joined the Gustavus contingency to the Washington protest immediately after hearing about the protest, claiming “I have always hated Keystone. I would do anything to get that watery shit off the shelves. If you’re not drinking Natty Ice, you’re basic. Every time I end up getting busted at the Swamp, it’s because of some freshman coming in with a thirty of Keystone. Nothing bums me out more than seeing that beautiful place littered with that kind of trash.”


Joseph’s anti-Keystone sign amongst the crowd.

Joseph’s involvement came to a surprise to most other Gustie protesters, as he had not been present at all during earlier informative events hosted by the Gustavus Greens. Senior Carrie Bauer told reporters, “I hadn’t seen him before, but he seemed really passionate about this issue when we were boarding the bus last Friday. So we thought, why not bring another passionate gladiator to fight for Mother Earth?”

However, when police began arresting protesters outside the White House, Joseph bolted. “Oh, I’ve had my run-ins with police in my short time at Gustavus, and they’ve all been because of beer. As much as I don’t like it, I wasn’t going to be thrown in jail with all those dirty people. Not while wearing my Sperries.”

Bauer is still proud of Joseph’s courage: “He might not have gotten arrested, but he really made a difference out there. He was challenging perceptions, and that’s what activism is all about.”

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