Gustavus Suspends On-Campus Parking as New Ice Age Dawns

SAINT PETER—As the dawn of a new ice age looms, Gustavus Adolphus College officials have suspended on-campus parking for the next 30,000 years, the projected end of this winter. Campus Safety is planning on implementing this change on Wednesday due to the impossibility of keeping up with snow removal during this next glacial period.

“We are taking this very seriously,” said Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher. “I’ve seen the movie Ice Age like ten times, so we’ve got to think about the global freeze that will encompass our planet throughout the remainder of the Eon of Frost Eternal.”

Before arriving at the current plan, officials proposed a rotation which required students to continually move their cars from lot to lot, ensuring one empty lot each night so snow removal teams could address the continual buildup of snow and ice that is accompanying this never-ending cycle of winter hell.

The new plan Campus Safety has implemented is an eleven phase program to methodically remove cars from the lots where cars have been traditionally designed to park. The final phase of the plan will involve off-campus students breaking down into various nomadic tribes who, as communities, will hope, pray, and survive.

Projection of the Sorensen Hall parking lot, circa June 5, 2014

Projection of the Sorensen Hall parking lot, circa June 5, 2014

Senior off-campus resident Joey Santana has traded his 2013 Lexus CT Hybrid for a cache of hunting supplies, including flintstone, flay knife, and bowstaff, as he will no longer be able to make it on campus due to the lack of parking. He told reporters, “I hope I’ve learned everything I needed to with my Management classes because I’m on my own.”

“I’m pleased we’re finally taking some serious steps to address the snow buildup we’ve seen this year,” shared pelt-clad Director of Residential Life Chuck Pann as he let loose an arrow into a squirrel’s meaty haunch. “It’s a big issue, keeping these lots cleared. I much prefer placing my salvation in the hands of Ullr, God of Snow. Ok at hringi Ullr! Sva Gangi Norsk.”

Categories: OFF THE HILL