CAMPUS NEWS

‘Gustie Couples’ Sparks 1,300 New Relationships

SAINT PETER– After Sunday’s rollout of the popular Facebook page “Gustie Couples,” the Gustavus campus has experienced a veritable social revolution as new couples find themselves compelled to enter into committed, exclusive relationships.

Director of Residential Life Chuck Pann commented on the page’s effect on the committed relationships on campus: “We are going to need to make changes across board when it comes to the way we run business. Since all of the engagements, some sections of Co-Ed have become the equivalent of ghost towns. People have moved in with each other, and I’m even hearing some are planning out their Christmas cards already.”

The Counseling Center has also felt the effects of this influx of committed relationships. The Director of the Counseling Center Julie McGarrity remarked, “We are severely understaffed right now. The number of couples’ therapy sessions we are needing to accomodate are not sustainable at this rate. If a couple wants to get in for some conflict resolution, they’re not getting a slot until mid-August 2056. We are going to need to add at least 40 new counselors. At least.”

The matchmaking capabilities of the page have paired each and every current student with a new romantic match, except first-year Clive Timmerman, whose singlehood has been attributed to the fact that the student body currently has an odd number of students.

“Well, I didn’t think my romantic career would end here like this,” said Timmerman. “After the whole ‘Cape Day’ incident I guess my name kind of rang out…Mom says there’s someone out there for me, though.”

Gustavus Technological Services has been crippled by the massive influx of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram posts of couples proclaiming the quality and longevity of their newfound relationships. “Our megabyte per second speed has slowed from 86 to a dismal 52. This number would plummet even further, were it not for the sharp dropoff of pornographic viewership in the dormitories,” said Markus Janssen, GTS Director of Internet Services.

Newlyweds Dru and Kelsey Harris sat down for an interview with the Fourth Crown shortly following their nuptials at the newly-founded 24-hour St. Peter In N’ Out Wedding Chapel, a business which is currently booked through the fall semester. The Rasmussens first began their relationship after receiving two likes on the Gustie Couples post that publicly designated them as a unit for the first time. Kelsey shared candidly that “I didn’t know who Dru was, but after being assigned his partner by this peer-reviewed social authority, I immediately texted my boyfriend that our relationship was terminated because my soulmate had been designated by public opinion. I’ve been told I love him, so it must be true!”

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