SAINT PETER- Amidst the excitement of hiring the next president of Gustavus, an important new addition to the Department of Campus Safety has gone largely unnoticed by the student body. Kurg, a forest troll, has been hired to oversee the high-traffic walkway between the OJ Johnson Student Union and the Folke Bernadotte Memorial Library. This is the college’s second nonhuman hiring, preceded only by Mr. Stripes, a stray cat, who briefly held a position with campus security.
According to campus safety director Song Biermacher, “Kurg is a one of a kind talent who is beyond qualified to guard and protect a small to medium sized passing, like a bridge or tunnel.” Sources report that in his initial interview, Kurg gave a multimedia presentation detailing his previous domains, most recently including the highway 22 bridge into Saint Peter. “Not only is Kurg qualified, but he’s a local candidate. We really hit the jackpot,” added Biermacher.
Despite Biermacher’s confidence in Kurg’s aptitude for the role, the 4′ 2″ bearded humanoid has already gained a reputation among the student body for his stern approach towards bridge security. “Everytime I walk by him I try to smile and ask him how his day is going,” says junior Emily Palmquist. “In response, he just roars and chases after me with his club.” Senior Brian West echoed Palmquist’s concern. “One time I walked in on him roasting a goat, or some other animal, and he just totally lost it,” said West. “He literally threw a piece of goat meat at me and sat there growling until I walked away.”
Despite numerous incidents like these, Campus Safety is confident in Kurg’s abilities. In a recent press release they stated, “Despite Kurg’s unconventional methods, we are certain that he is holding himself to the highest standards of our work. In regards to the multiple alleged flesh-throwing incidents, we remind the campus community that he was trying to keep students safe in the walkway, or was simply hurrying them along to class.” Biermacher did state in a later interview that she would “try my best to talk to Kurg about the club.”
Regardless of his controversial methods, since the addition of Kurg to the Campus Safety force, the number of behavioral incidents in the area has plummeted. This is being attributed to Kurg never actually leaving his post. “At first I thought he was crazy,” said Campus Security officer Vic Pascutti, “but after I grew accustomed to the stench of old goatmeat throughout the Student Union, I recognized him for the paradigm of campus security he is. He was born for this.”
When asked for a comment, Kurg simply belched and broke a window with an abandoned library book.
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS