BY THE NUMBERS:

• 60%: Pre-Gustie Couples rate of singlehood among Gusties.
• 0.03%:  Current rate of singlehood among Gusties.
• 3: Number of pornographic videos streamed since Gustie Couples went live; a 99% decrease.
• 11: Number of times lonely first-year Dante Hopfensberger has submitted himself paired with a hot senior.
• $859: Average dowry between newly-engaged couples.
• 782: Total engagement rings purchased at the Mankato Herberger’s by Gusties this week.
• 1,624: Number of new couples that have been matched through Gustie Couples.
• 1st: Gustavus’ new rank among the state’s “Best Colleges to Meet Your Soulmate,” ending Bethel University’s 67 year streak.
• 9: The number of likes that up-and-coming social superstar Clive Turnsdall obtained on his submittal of two popular kids from his FTS.
• 803:  Number of these couples that are engaged; 38 of these couples have eloped.
• 0%: Percentage of snobby Three Crowns Curriculum students who have eloped with a student outside the program.
• 400: Students who just liked the page to see if their name is on it anywhere.
• 40: New Counseling Center positions have been announced to help deal with the increased couples counseling demand.
• 14: The average number of times a day that a student checks the Gustie Couples page, destabilizing their connection with real relationships as well as corrupting their views on romance and intimacy.
• 83%: Percentage of Gusties who approve of the new page’s premise of avoiding bullshit compliments and really anything else to connect students to one another on a fundamentally human level.
• 720: Number of “likes” the page has received. The rapid influx of popularity has driven administration officials to cancel the annual first year square dance during orientation week because all students will just meet their true love on this page now.