Dive Renovations to Include Permanently Walling Off the Dive

SAINT PETER—Following the passing of the Student Senate proposal to revisit Dive renovations, a new master plan of the renovations has been released. Minneapolis-based architectural firm Habus & Corpis, Inc., in conjunction with a local HAZMAT team, has released images of the architectural facelift to the facility.

“We’re thrilled to be collaborating to find a way to make ‘the Dive’ sexy, modern, and above all, safe,” shared Mike Aorti, H&C’s lead designer on the partner project between the Twin Cities firm and the Saint Peter Fire Department HAZMAT Team.  “While HAZMAT team made it explicitly clear that the Dive is to be permanently sealed off from human contact, we had the thrilling opportunity to make the state-mandated antibiotic seal blend in with the building’s beautiful architecture.”

Recently released Habus & Corpis model of the entrance to the dive post-renovation

Recently released Habus & Corpis model of the entrance to the dive post-renovation

 SPFD HAZMAT Director Mike Hjelmstrom described the remodeling efforts as “a response to the recent acknowledgment of the profound variety of novel bacteria and other kinds of icky germs crawling around in this cesspool of sin.” The HAZMAT team, which has dealt with some of the most toxic substances in the world, was utterly shocked by the conditions of the Dive. Hjemstrom cited a report from the Center for Disease Control as the “most likely neogenesis site of the next global pathogenic crisis.”

College Chaplains Siri Erickson and Brian Konkol, widely known for their liberal, tolerant brand of Christian theology, have also come out in approval of the plan. “Sin is such a flexible, personal issue,” shared Chaplain Siri, “but there is absolutely no interpretation of the Dive as anything less than the origin of all collegiate immorality.” Chaplain Brian echoed this sentiment, reminding students that “Christ’s love is capable of engulfing students of all walks of campus life, except Divegoers.”

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