SAINT PETER— Saying that now is the ideal time for the ambitious project to begin, college officials announced this morning that construction will begin in the coming weeks to raise the campus hill by 10 feet in order to receive the “Highest Private Liberal Arts College Campus in Southern Minnesota” award. This title, previously held by St. Olaf since 1874, has been highly coveted by Gustavus administration since the College’s first year in St. Peter in 1876. Citing the impending spring thaw and that, “we just need that little ‘bump’ to get to the top,” officials have reportedly fast-tracked the project to add approximately 3.3 yards to the total height of the Gustavus hill.
“We’re confident this is a smart investment for the College,” said Admissions director Jonathan Murdy. “I’m so damn sick of St. Olaf rubbing it in our face that their hill is higher than ours. We will do whatever it takes to prove our Scandinavian superiority and regain our rightful place above those Norwegian hacks.”
Plans to raise the hill involve several million tons of earth and concrete to add an additional 10 feet to the hill and claim the title. Estimated costs are projected to be around $14 million, but once started, administration confirmed that they will stop at nothing to take the title away from “those Northfield devils.”
Gustavus’ website has already been updated to reflect the campaign. The welcome photo banner has been updated with a countdown titled, “Days until dominance” as well as a live-updating altimeter which will, according to admissions staff, “be a huge publicity draw for the handful of people anxiously monitoring the altitude of Southern private liberal arts college campuses.”
Administration confirmed that this project will also complement the effort to claim the title of “National Register’s Highest Historic Place” which will involve raising Old Main an additional 14 feet by propping it up on cinder blocks.
Categories: OFF THE HILL