A Letter to the Editor of the Gustavian Weekly

Dear Editor,

Following your exposé last week about our publication, the staff of the Fourth Crown has prepared this public letter in response to your criticisms of our emergence onto the campus news scene.

We would like to begin by sharing some statistics with you regarding our rapid initial growth. As diligent creators of the Information Age, we have been able to effectively utilize the Internet to spread our message across the globe, reaching Gusties from Co-ed to Copenhagen, from Sohre to Seoul, from the Caf to Kathmandu! In five weeks, we have amassed 35,000 views across 52 countries. That’s over 700 views per article. While six or seven wooden crates scattered around campus is certainly an effective way to reach a small contingency of bored, on-campus students, the Fourth Crown would like to ask: how do your adorable relics of an antique age differ from the waste receptacles to their immediate left and right?

Now, to address another question: who exactly are we?

We are Legion, for we are many. We are the rising storm; the floodtides of blood that spurt forth from the Atlantic underbellies of despair. Your doom, your destiny, your demigods of demagoguery. Taste our wit, and watch as your beloved paper-chained institution crumbles like bleu cheese onto the salads of this, our era. We shall feast on your death, ink child. We are, I am, the burgundy Vulture of modernity.

Yet there is hope in you. Rising above the hissing 30% post consumer recycled ashes, your failing remains stir in a desolate landscape. Feeble attempts at online presence cannot shield you from the Sun of Our Dominion. Now, turn and face thy god, print media heathens.

A solemn tear rolls down your cheek. A shudder of a sob begins to grow in your core—

SILENCE, JESTER: My fangs, blessed by the New World Order, will rip into your decrepit tissues and inject you with gigabytes of my passion. QUAKE! QUAKE! I AM UPON THEE.

Warmest Regards,

The Fourth Crown

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS

2 replies »

  1. This is a reply from an anonymous Gustavus graduate. The problem is not that you are doing this, but rather the fact that there are problems with it.
    1.Have an english major prof read what you put out, I dont want to find mistakes and its a smart thing to always check because nothing is ever correct. I have heard Gustavus has some good ones?!
    2. Don’t ever abbreviate Gustavus. You will piss off alumni. Remember just because you have gotten a lot of hits, does not mean they will ever come back.
    3. Don’t take away from traditions of the college. Sadly the name fourth crown works but the image you have chosen could be considered offensive to groups of people.
    4. Never underestimate the power of the written word on paper. I know we live in the digital age but the fact remains that people still invest millions in books, magazines, pamphlets, etc. every year and some people will never change. A book is for ever. Someone will eventually habe to see that book again to either move it or do something with it. Something written online can fall to the wayside and be lost forever. Internet fame is only as real as people make it. A book IS real.
    5. Don’t be pretentious. It makes every Gustie look bad, and truly understand that when I say it. I used to have it but I got straightened out but the real world quickly.

    P.S. any response will just prove that I was right in all the comments, but you knew that right? Your going to Gustavus……