Following your exposé last week about our publication, the staff of the Fourth Crown has prepared this public letter in response to your criticisms of our emergence onto the campus news scene.
We would like to begin by sharing some statistics with you regarding our rapid initial growth. As diligent creators of the Information Age, we have been able to effectively utilize the Internet to spread our message across the globe, reaching Gusties from Co-ed to Copenhagen, from Sohre to Seoul, from the Caf to Kathmandu! In five weeks, we have amassed 35,000 views across 52 countries. That’s over 700 views per article. While six or seven wooden crates scattered around campus is certainly an effective way to reach a small contingency of bored, on-campus students, the Fourth Crown would like to ask: how do your adorable relics of an antique age differ from the waste receptacles to their immediate left and right?
Now, to address another question: who exactly are we?
We are Legion, for we are many. We are the rising storm; the floodtides of blood that spurt forth from the Atlantic underbellies of despair. Your doom, your destiny, your demigods of demagoguery. Taste our wit, and watch as your beloved paper-chained institution crumbles like bleu cheese onto the salads of this, our era. We shall feast on your death, ink child. We are, I am, the burgundy Vulture of modernity.
Yet there is hope in you. Rising above the hissing 30% post consumer recycled ashes, your failing remains stir in a desolate landscape. Feeble attempts at online presence cannot shield you from the Sun of Our Dominion. Now, turn and face thy god, print media heathens.
A solemn tear rolls down your cheek. A shudder of a sob begins to grow in your core—
SILENCE, JESTER: My fangs, blessed by the New World Order, will rip into your decrepit tissues and inject you with gigabytes of my passion. QUAKE! QUAKE! I AM UPON THEE.
The Fourth Crown
Categories: CAMPUS NEWS