SAINT PETER—First-year Austin Zollner shocked campus and southern Minnesota alike with his astonishingly rapid consumption of Taco John’s famous “Six Pack and a Pound” meal. The accomplishment was finished in only eight minutes and four seconds, ranking Zollner’s performance among the top ten of all time. In the wake of Zollner’s feat, the Athletic Department has announced plans for the commemoration of this display of pristine sportsmanship.
“This is undoubtedly an incredible moment for Gustavus,” remarked athletic director Rob Green. “Not once in the history of our institution has a student gained this degree of distinction from a Tex-Mex restaurant chain. Sure we have had national champions and All-Americans, but never before have we had a student pound out an accomplishment of this caliber.”
The Athletic Department has elected to erect a statue in honor of this moment in between the Student Union and the Lund Center. “The 20-foot bronze work in the style of Paul Granlund will assure that people will know that this program values the focus and dedication required for this triumph of both mind and stomach.” According to early drawings, the statue will show Zollner devouring a taco with one hand and holding an infant in the other, representing the hopes and dreams of the Athletic Department’s burgeoning speed-eating program.
Along with the statue, a new record board will be put up in Lund noting the accomplishment. This new board will replace the current Men’s Track and Field record plaque, which, according to Green, “is a meaningless collection of numbers in comparison to Zollner’s divine achievement.”
When asked about his opinions on his accomplishment, Zollner gurgled out a string of incomprehensible gibberish, seemingly incapacitated by his feat. He also motioned to his stomach, which has been described by Zollner’s peers as “looking like a small family of octopi were trying to escape through his skin.”