SAINT PETER—Tournament brackets are in shambles after the first round of the campus wide beer pong tournament, as visionless first-year Samantha Mercer defeated the top ranked senior prodigy Duke Parker. The match reportedly silenced the crowd at Duke’s own off campus house, with the exception of Mercer’s rhythmic chest pounds of victory.
“That was without a doubt the most amazing thing I have ever seen,” said junior Tim Nordquist. “It was almost a religious experience. I felt more in those eight to nine minutes than I have in my entire life,” he continued. “Seriously… she may be a goddess.”
Mercer was perhaps the easiest write off of the tournament. Sources claimed that she knocked over a lava lamp at the house moments before the game. It is unknown If this was some sort of pre-game mental trickery or a blind, honest mistake, but regardless of the fact Mercer’s skills at the table were unmatched. “She was calm and composed. Honestly, it was a lesson in elegance,” said junior Kyle McNair. “She seemed equal parts ballerina and US Marine sniper. I was in awe.”
“The only thing I could compare it to would be if Macalester were to literally go down and challenge the University of Florida to a basketball game on their home court, and then just kick the shit out of them,” said senior Casey Jennings.
The loss left Parker in a state of both mental and moral confusion. “Maybe I shouldn’t have even played the game. I mean, I was dead certain I was gonna win. She didn’t even know how long the table was, yet she drained her first few cups. I just don’t know what to think about the whole thing,” he said. Parker was later found staring emotionlessly at a case of Old Milwaukee.
Mercer on the other hand was not surprised in the slightest. “Am I surprised I won? Of course not. I heard the cups calling out to me, they wanted that ball…They NEEDED that ball. It was just my job to put it in them. It was my duty,” she said. “The only regret I have is that I couldn’t see the crushing wave of defeat crash over Duke’s face.”