CAMPUS NEWS

BREAKING: Student Senate Passes New Resolution

The following is a Student Senate-passed resolution regarding Student Senate resolutions passed on Monday, March 24, 2014:

Submitted to: Gustavus Adolphus College Community

Subject: Acts of Resolution and Our Resolve to Further Resolute Resolutions

WHEREAS, On Monday, March 24, a lack of resolutions has been committed—or not committed…What’s the correct way to say it? Committed or not committed? Resolutions are hard;

WHEREAS, resolutions are an effective method of reminding the college community that we exist, and do stuff;

WHEREAS, airplanes are so damn cool. Seriously, they’re just these big chunks of metal with wings that just fly. Do you know how heavy airplanes are? Probably somewhere between a boat and a small moon. And they can just hang out in the air for fucking hours;

WHEREAS, lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Praesent ullamcorper dignissim ipsum sed elementum. Donec a condimentum dui. Aliquam bibendum purus magna, nec facilisis lectus semper sed. Vivamus non vulputate turpis, ac dapibus enim. Aliquam eu diam vel nisl interdum rhoncus sed ac urna;

WHEREAS, the mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature;

THEREFORE LET IT BE RESOLVED, a responsible Student Senate, will send out more resolutions, whether they are necessary or not, because “WHEREAS” is a cool-as-shit word when capitalized;

LET IT BE RESOLVED, don’t tell me there’s no magic involved in airplanes because you’re a damn liar if you do;

LET IT BE RESOLVED, the students of this college are seeking to actively engage with our core values of Service, Community, Justice, Faith, and Excellence through reading short, vague paragraphs with lofty wording;

LET IT BE RESOLVED, apropos the aforementioned esoteric communicatory attenuations, paradigms of parsimonious senatorial conduct heretofore unbeknown to us in our pedantic intransigence have emerged to the fore of the Senate consciousness in the wake of our current discourse.

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