SAINT PETER—In a groundbreaking move, the Athletic Department has officially established Beer Pong as a school-sanctioned sport. Beer Pong will be the twelfth men’s and thirteenth women’s program sanctioned by the college. The installation came quickly in the wake of last weekend, which featured some “downright unbelievable games,” at numerous student owned houses according to Assistant Athletic Director Jeffrey Foreman, who attended the games incognito.
According to Foreman, a contingent of representatives from the Eta Xi Omega brought the idea to the department a week ago, and showed them a YouTube video (with over 300 views) of students playing intense matches. According to Foreman, “The video was good, sure. But I needed more. I wanted to feel the atmosphere, smell the plastic and PBR, hear the cries of victory and sobs of defeat, and see the determination in the eyes of these noble, costumed competitors. After I witnessed that on Saturday…Damn. I knew it just had to be a sport.” Foreman also explained his love for the cultural significance of the support, expressing a level of “rapt captivation I didn’t even feel throughout birth of my own daughter. The image of a pair of coeds dressed up as Clifford the Big Red Dog effortlessly floating immaculate orbs over a beer-stained slab of plywood will stay with me for years to come.”
Foreman’s excitement is echoed across most of the campus. The President’s office released a statement supporting the move, claiming that it would have been “irresponsible not to tap into the ocean of talent there is a Gustavus”. Students have rushed to sign up, and professors have begun applying for candidacy for coaching positions. “This is one heck of an opportunity,” says Spanish professor Ángela Cooper. “We will be one of the first programs in the country, and I would love to be a part of such a righteous movement.”
The only members of campus who are against the move seem to be the lacrosse and ultimate frisbee clubs, both of which have begun to break down, likely in recognition that their application for official school support will never be taken seriously.
The Pong Program will begin competition in the fall of 2014 against schools of various sizes, location and athletic divisions. “I could really see us competing very well against schools of Division 1 status,” says Foreman, who went on to express his belief that having a D1 Beer Pong Program will continue to attract “paragons of athletic excellence and academic acceptability”.
On top of inspiring the quickest administrative procedure Gustavus has ever seen, the team has already secured a substantial spending budget which will easily cover the team’s traveling expenses and equipment cost. The equipment itself will be revealed next week, but sources have confirmed rumours that each player will get their own set of cups and balls engraved with the three crowns. The men’s team uniforms will consist of bro tanks and the women’s will feature crop tops.