CAMPUS NEWS

President Vetos CAB’s ‘Big Concert’ Performer

SAINT PETER—President Ohle has issued an executive veto of the student body’s decision to host hip-hop duo Timeflies for the campus’ spring concert, citing their “fostering of the fad known as turntness.”

“I always try to keep up with what the kids are doing these days,” Ohle claimed in a recent interview, “so I went to Barnes and Noble to purchase the Timeflies CD.” After President Ohle realized that Barnes and Noble does not sell the Timeflies album he returned to his iPad to “Bing search Timeflies records.” After reading about the music duo, Ohle stated, “The songs that these promiscuous young men perform are not appropriate for Gustavus. I understand why Gusties jive the way they do at The Dive if they are listening to this noise. Timeflies is encouraging the turntness of collegiate social life, and I cannot endorse a band that makes my students want to ‘turn up,’ as they say.”

Due to the short turn around in finding an appropriate band for May all that CAB could find, and that Ohle would approve, was an Earth Wind and Fire cover band. Ohle believes that EWF encourages pure hometown fun. “When I hear Earth Wind and Fire, it reminds me of my college years. Sipping some apple cider with the rest of the Richard Nixon Appreciation club listening to ‘Now, Then, and Forever,’ talking about gas prices,” Ohle told reporters.

CAB representative Jennifer Jesuite states, “Our generation could learn a lot from the simple lifestyle that EWF shows us, and we deeply appreciate President Ohle’s recommendation.” The cover band hails from Boise, Idaho and has been traveling the Pacific Northwest and certain parts of Canada since 2003. They have performed in over 200 Holiday Inns and over 300 Holiday Inn Expresses. Ohle encouraged students to appreciate the concert “unturnt for a superior time!”

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