Men’s Track Team Wins Relay for Life

SAINT PETER- In an unexpected display of impressive athleticism, the Men’s Track & Field Team won the Relay for Life event held in Lund Center on Friday night. The event, which was designed to be an uncompetitive celebration of the $44,000 raised by the Gustavus community for the American Cancer Society, was thrown into disarray when the team entered the Lund Arena doing high-intensity warm ups in the middle of a speech of gratitude from event coordinator Namara Shlinderov. Following their regimen of high knees, lunges, and various hamstring stretches, the 35-membered team ran around the indoor track at a full sprint, then launched into an aggressive celebration near the center’s finish line.

Many involved with the fundraiser expressed their disappointment in the team’s victory. Top individual fundraiser Hailey Eveshed, who raised over $3,000 in honor of her grandmother and cancer survivor Edith Wunderlich, was “offended by the horde of ripped dudes in tank tops handing eachother aluminum batons and screaming expletives about St. Thomas.”

Despite the near universal confusion following the team’s victory, team captain Alec Artecl was jubilant, highfiving bystanders and yelling “nice meet, see you at conference” before running onto the event stage and fist-pumping in celebration. After standing on stage for several tense moments before a hushed audience, Artecl was heard to say “what, no medals?” before heading to the men’s locker room.