Majority of Student Body Still Not Sure What Really Happens in the Tennis Bubble

SAINT PETER — In what is quickly becoming one of the biggest mysteries in recent campus history, an athletic department-sponsored surveymonkey has indicated the majority of students and faculty have no clear grasp on what goes on in the tennis bubble. While most assumed that tennis was the most plausible answer, they later admitted that this was only due to what the administration has told them and not from actual knowledge.

“I assume that they play tennis in that giant igloo,” said senior soccer player Brady Hamilton, ”but for all I know they could be performing satanic rituals or sacrificing freshmen to the weather gods or something.”

Hamilton is not the only individual on campus whose ignorance has raised concern. Multiple athletic team coaches have admitted that they are in the dark when it comes to the tennis facility. “That big dome is pretty cool to look at, and I see a lot of people carrying tennis supplies into it, but who the hell knows what happens once they get past that security gate,” said track and field coach Dave Rod.

The tennis bubble has also been mistaken with some of Minnesota’s other notable inflatable architectural landmarks. Sophomore student and Edina native Joel Hauer, when explaining his rationale on enrolling at Gustavus to a football recruit he was hosting, shared he “loved how he could see the Metrodome from his room in Co-ed last year.”

Students and faculty have recently called into question the administration’s transparency as a result of the shroud of mystery surrounding the tennis bubble. Several social networking groups have been formed in effort to bring awareness to the fact that no one is really aware of what is actually happening in the facility. “For the love of all things Gustavus, it is high time that the administration serves us a clear answer on the plate of transparency in regard to the activity that goes on in the bubble,” said a recent press release from the newly formed student group Our #Bubble, Our Gustavus.

In response to the movement, the administration issued a formal statement on Monday afternoon, claiming the college “definitely knows that tennis is supposed to go on in there, but we are not entirely ready to address the notion of activities going on beyond that point.”

This response has generated widespread confusion across campus, resulting in the creation of more student social networking groups. In addition to these new groups, a variety of splinter factions of the Our #Bubble, Our Gustavus group have emerged as a result of the ambiguity of the hashtag, including #Our Bubble, #Our Gustavus; #OurBubble, #OurGustavus; and Hour Bubble Are #Gustavus.


Read more about the transparency issues surrounding Timeflies here.