BREAKING—In response to throngs of students gathered outside of Christ Chapel Friday morning for Divest-Fest, the five largest oil and gas companies in the United States have shut down production of their oil and natural gas wells effective immediately.
“I chose not to listen for a while,” said ExxonMobil Chairman and CEO Rex W. Tillerson. “But the moment I heard those students chant ‘G-A-C, what?’ and saw a cardboard sign reading ‘Nordic Skiing,’ I knew this was a huge deal. Who cares that I make $40 million a year when I can make $40 million worth of change? Those plastic drums were heard today, from North Dakota to Alaska to Saudi Arabia.”
Stock in oil companies such as ExxonMobil, BP, and Chevron dove to an all-time low late on Friday morning following news that student protesters outside in the center of campus were rallying with orange balloons and cardboard signs. “They wrote on the balloons too!? Jesus Christ we’re finished,” said BP Executive Ross Michaelson.
Financial analysts across the country are scrambling to address the stock market’s plummet caused by the students. Many fear that the upside down garbage cans and repurposed boxes of “Antonio’s Hearty Marinara Sauce” could renew the economic recession that has plagued the United States for the past several years.
Due to the shutdown, unemployment in the United States are expected to spike rapidly over the next couple of hours. Harvard Professor of Economics Linda Elling explained, “This small group of liberal arts students have overthrown one of the United States’ most lucrative industries. The economic price this will have on the rest of the country is really anybody’s guess.”
“We are pleased with the efficacy of our movement,” said Gustavus senior Cate Richards. “We chalked up a big win for Mother Earth today.” Sources say students are now planning a protest against the gendered term “Mother Earth.”
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