OFF THE HILL

FOLLOW-UP: Oil Executives Handcuff Themselves at SCOTUS Steps

BREAKING—After shutting down operations of their respective companies, a group of nearly one hundred former oil executives have handcuffed themselves at the steps of the Supreme Court of the United States, urging the Department of Justice to take them “where we belong—PRISON.” This action has come after Gustavus Adolphus College’s Divest-Fest, the largely influential “not a protest” decrying the oil industry, the cut of Nordic Skiing, and anything else Gusties want to argue about under the popular hashtag #OurGustavus.

Former Chevron Chairman and CEO John S. Watson told reporters, “I am a haunted soul, floundering in a fake existence. The blood of my victims runs in streams of black and gold. Green, black and gold. Take me in, Lady Justice, for I repent. I might be thousands of miles away, but the plastic drums reverberate in my consciousness. Cleanse me. Cleanse me.” All other former executives in attendance have echoed Watson’s sentiments, chanting in unison, “Have some class, book my ass!”

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