INFOGRAPHIC: The Fourth Crown’s College Decision Tips

With the National Candidates Reply Date coming up this Thursday, accepted college students across the U.S. are making their final decisions regarding their college enrollment for next year. Here are the Fourth Crown’s tips to help make the process easier.

  • If the school you are considering is in a cold climate, consider whether it has underground tunnels you can actually fucking use.
  • Supreme Chancellor Timmons requests your presence at Gustavus Adolphus College for the 2014-15 school year and all years beyond. Find your fit here!
  • Before confirming your college choice, make sure the cafeteria has damn good omelettes.
  • Your parents may insist on giving their Alma Mater “one last look”; just do your best to tune out when they reminisce about cracking open cold ones in their ‘78 Plymouth Volaré on those warm spring nights.
  • Supreme Chancellor Timmons insists that you enroll at Timmons Adolphus College. Following enrollment it is required that all students have a location-tracking implant injected into their skulls. Make the most out of your college career!
  • If a single-sex school is out of the question, at least verify your chosen institution keeps male and female dormitories at least 1200 feet apart and separated by a razor-wire fence and attack dogs.
  • Should you not comply and enroll at Timmons Timmons College, Supreme Chancellor Timmons will see to it that you disappear off the face of the earth and are taken to a remote location where nobody can hear you scream. Its about making the right decision for you!
  • Institutional transparency is important in anyone’s college search. Make sure to get an accurate count of how many windows are on campus.
  • You wouldn’t want to sink slowly into the Minnesota River’s murky, frothy depths with cinder blocks chained to your feet, would you? Supreme Chancellor Timmons didn’t think so. So send your registration deposit to Timmons Timmons Timmons now. Admission staff are always available to answer your questions!

Read more about Supreme Chancellor Timmons’ wonderful and remarkable changes on campus here.