SAINT PETER– Following several days of intense deliberation, it was announced today that the Greys are the winners of Greek Week 2014. The infamous underground fraternity has emerged from hiding to participate in this week’s competitions. Grayson Nutral, the Greys president, commented, “We just felt like it was a good way to show Gustavus’ community that we are still here, and we are here to play.”

The Greys got an automatic first place during the medallion hunt due to the fact that they were not sent clues nor had a medallion. “How were we supposed to know that the Greys wanted to participate in Greek Week?” said IGS president Karlie Hertz. “Nobody has ever witnessed an organized and coherent group of Greys in one place since the dawn of time.” As the following days ensued the competition thickened, but play they said and play they did. They took the day without shoes to the next level and performed one of their secret pledge rituals of walking on hot coals on Eckman Mall. To many people’s surprise many college officials stood  nearby and applauded as the determined young men risked life and limb to overcome all the odds and win the prestigious award. After the event several members used their charred feet to put footprints on the banner that hung outside of the caf. The Greek characters could easily be read in each of their footprints, “Isn’t that cool!” Greek-life administrator Becky Nelsen says, “What a trick of the eye! One time I found Bono’s face on a chip, and this is just like that! What an illusion!”

The week’s trivia contest was also met with gusto by the Greys. With an enormous ten point lead the Greys blew every other group out of the water. Bystanders witnessed newly-inducted Greys members running back and forth from the library with encyclopedias strapped to their backs; it was no question that these brothers had formed a bond like no other. “The rules technically didn’t say that you couldn’t use hard copies of books,” Ben Charcol said, “If Greek Week doesn’t mean bending a rule or two I don’t know what does!” He was then referred to the “C” section of the dictionary where Charcol learned the word, “cheating.” In a not so shocking turn of events, no one except the Greys showed up to flag football.  “I had, uh, other things to do,” Eplison Pi Alpha’s president, Brian Thomas, reported in regards to his fraternity’s absence at Friday’s flag football game.

“This is a turning point for the Greys,” Nelsen reports, “we haven’t seen this kind of participation from an exiled Greek community, well, ever!” The Greys are beyond excited about their new found friendship that was spawned this week. They have even invited Nelsen to their ritual practices this Saturday. “I’m just so excited!” Nelsen says, “I’ve never been to a Beta ritual before! I bet they will all bring their betas to it, I know I’m bringing mine!”