SAINT PETER— College officials have expressed concern for lackluster response in the wake of a National Weather Service-issued Tornado Warning for Nicollet and Blue Earth Counties. The emergency notification, which was sent via email, text, and voicemail messages, was received by many students to be in reference to a more stable form of helical campus disaster.
“The tornado? Yeah, I heard about it,” said first year Mikaela Hanson. “When I came to campus this fall I learned about it pretty quickly. Now I walk past it on my way to lab on Tuesdays.”
College officials reported that every student was completely apathetic to the severe weather. “The campus-wide emergency alert system proved to be entirely useless,” said Director of Campus Safety Song Biermacher. “When I ordered one group of students to take shelter immediately, they rolled their eyes at me and muttered something about ‘Ohle and administration spending’ under their breath.”
The College’s emergency preparedness has come under intense scrutiny for its inability to convey the seriousness of the weather situation. Junior Art Major Christina Malthus took one look at the Tornado Warning Text Message she received at 5:29pm and commented, “Yeah everybody has a right to be warned of that abomination. The vertical proportions and post-Modernist linear influences are hideous. And they decided to call it a ‘helix?’ About time they told everybody to jam themselves into a basement away from that eyesore. Sweet Jesus.” Malthus then continued studying on an Adirondack chair outside of Old Main.
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