Americans across the country are celebrating Mother’s Day, a holiday which has exalted mothers and motherhood since the early 1900s. The Fourth Crown has all the tips you need to make it an unforgettable day.

• Yes, you moron, today is Mothers Day.
• Many college students in South Central Minnesota may still be suffering from crippling hangovers and complete loss of voice due to screaming “Fuck St. Thomas” repeatedly on Friday night. You better pull yourself the hell together and call your mom.
• Nothing screams “Happy Mother’s Day!” like unplanned pregnancy!
• After wallowing in your self-pity for forgetting Mother’s Day, call a flower shop and order yourself a bouquet of flowers to help yourself feel better.
• Beware of weird Mother’s Day celebrations around the world. Bulgaria instead celebrates “International Women’s Day” on March 8th which recognizes women as equal human beings. What the hell is wrong with them?
• Choose your gift for Mother’s Day carefully, keeping in mind that whatever present you pick out for Father’s Day will be at least four times shittier.
• Men, after kissing your mom and telling her you love her, salvage your floundering masculinity by ripping off your shirt and punching your mother in the face while screaming “The Wretched” by Nine Inch Nails.
• It’s gotta be a complete waste of time to recognize the woman who brought you into this world, cared for you, and nurtured you in times of sickness, right? Just another damn Hallmark holiday? Those sick bastards.