Res Life Confirms Majority of Transfer Students Did Not Turn Up

SAINT PETER- As the spring semester comes to a close, some 43 students have decided to enroll at an institution other than Gustavus for the 2014 fall semester. According to Res Life the majority of these students with intent to transfer neglected to take every opportunity possible to “Turn Up.”

“Regrettably, some of these kids just couldn’t hang with the elite crowd of party gods that make up Gustavus,” said Res Life representative Chuck Pann. “While their departure is unfortunate, it is ultimately for the best. These kids will fit in well at other schools, probably Bethany Lutheran or Bethel, or something. Their removal from this campus will also help Gustie community evolve into one that values hardcore, slightly dangerous, unabashed fun above anything else… besides omelets.”

An example of the popular #TurnUpOrTransfer slogan, which is attributed to 88% of this year's transfer students.

An example of the popular #TurnUpOrTransfer slogan, which is attributed to 88% of this year’s transfer students.

A recent study found that 88% of students transferring did not “turn up”. The remaining 12% consisted of mostly students who could not afford the increasing tuition, or Ohle sympathizers who have chosen to leave with the president in a show of solidarity.

“The numbers don’t lie. We’re getting rid of a lot of students that keep from making our lives count, especially in the profit margins of MGM Liquor Warehouse. They really need us to float the southern Minnesota and northern Iowa region, it’s more or less our civic duty to do just that,” said Junior Mathematics Major Benji Burrell.

Burrell also did research on the incoming class. “The class of 2018 should be a huge addition to the college. I’ve calculated that around 93% of them will basically never turn down for anything. Five percent of the incoming class should be pretty casual, and the remaining two percent will probably transfer within their first year. Obviously, we should be pretty proud of what our Admission staff is doing.”

Categories: CAMPUS NEWS