SAINT PETER- This week’s wave of campus events aimed at helping students relieve the stresses of final examinations has left many on campus feeling high-strung and worn-out. In response, Student Health Services, in conjunction with the Dean of Students Office, has mandated that organizations such as the Campus Activities Board and Peer Assistants cancel the remainder of their finals week events and encourage students to “sit in their cluttered dorm rooms or the pestilential light of the library to ponder the immeasurable workload they have ahead of them.”

First-year student Clive Timmerman shared his appreciation for the policy, explaining “the pressure I was under to make it to every single stress relief event this week quickly became unbearable. I was so harried after sprinting from the therapy dogs, to the LineUs Improv show, to Midnight Express that I completely forgot to show up to my scheduled massage in the library’s relaxation room. I just… I just can’t keep up anymore.”

Nutrient-dense, free snacks such as this have been flagged by Student Health Services as a contribution to the “unavoidable, coercive culture of forced relaxation.”

Junior Campus Activities Board Co-President Jessie Marquardt expressed her relief for the cancellations. “I could no longer live with my contributions to such a tense, cutthroat atmosphere of unstoppable relaxation. I can’t tell you the last time I was able to just go back to my room, think about the three exams and two ten-page papers I have to complete over the next three days, and suffer a complete and utter mental breakdown.” Marquardt continued, “I’ve spent so much energy forcing myself and my peers to relax that I haven’t eaten in over eight hours, except for the nachos, muffins, fruit, ice cream, and chicken wings I had at Midnight Express.”

The decision of Health Services to cancel relaxation programming was largely in response to the complaints of various college faculty. In a public letter sent to CAB, the PAs, CFs, and Library Associates, Professor of Chemistry Burt Scott scolded the organizations for “completely preventing me from doing my job of systematically annihilating the mental stability, self-confidence, and overall well-being of my students. My ability to raise the important questions of ‘where is my life heading?’ or ‘will mom and dad still let me live at home after I drop out?’ has been utterly dismantled by this week’s overbearing, excessive programming.”

Scott’s call for a termination of the “constant escalation of relaxation” went on to explain, “The pressure placed on campus to relax has gone too far. To protect the welfare of our student body, it is imperative we remind ourselves of the crushing workload we have ahead of us, and let go of the constant coercion to ‘chill out.’”