OFF THE HILL

Pretty Blonde Girls Crash Internet With Mass Upload of Pictures at Gustavus Sign

SAINT PETER- After an illustrious 30 years of public accessibility, the World Wide Web has crashed following the upload of an insurmountable quantity of photos of blonde, college-aged women posing in front of the Gustavus Adolphus College sign. Web servers were brutally unprepared for the flood of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram images of fair-haired 18-22-year-old women in sundresses standing on top of a large limestone sign in front of the college’s oldest academic hall. The mass upload has disrupted public, private, and government mainframes alike.

Google’s head internet adviser Sigmund Wolfe called the crash “the most spectacular thing attractive white girls have ever destroyed.” Wolfe was relatively accepting of the web’s fate. “Yeah, the internet was pretty amazing, but how could it stand up to the power of cute blonde girls in flirty skirts? This was just a battle the web could not win. Just like me when I tried to ask Jennifer Stuart to our middle school dance.”

US President Barack Obama held an emergency television broadcast shortly following the outage in which he lambasted the students of Gustavus Adolphus College for inadvertently dismantling the ability of the United States to wage drone warfare on “enemies of freedom across the globe.”

This picture has been cited as the straw which broke the World Wide Web’s back. Though the image is no longer on the now-extinct Internet, it is featured prominently in front of the Presidential Residence in downtown Kabul as a token of appreciation from the Afghanistani people for the incidental dismantling of the US drone strike program the photo’s upload sparked.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan, citizens and militiamen alike took to the streets in celebration of the collapse of the United State’s drone program. Afghanistani President Hamid Karzai announced, “the innocent men and women of our villages owe their lives and the lives of their children to the pale, golden-haired goddesses in ‘crop tops.’ Thank you, Gus Davis At Dogfest!” Echoing his President’s statements, Afghani shepherd Amir Gondalai initiated a village project to erect a shrine to junior student Ellen Aaronson in the square of his village, Chach Naraidan.

Despite President’s Obama denouncement of the campus’s incessant posting habits, Federal Communications Commission Chairman Tom Wheeler has commented on the relative insignificance of the crash. “Let’s face it, the web peaked with Runescape and the video of that kid biting his brother’s finger,” the chairman commented in a telegraph interview this morning. “Any environment which let’s Bing linger as long as it has doesn’t really deserve to exist.”

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