OFF THE HILL

Retirement Home Residents Upset By Senior Week

SAINT PETER—With Gustavus’ annual celebration of inebriation of Senior Week well underway, unrest has erupted in the St. Peter retirement community. While the weeklong event is intended to provide the year’s graduating class a meaningful celebration of their years on campus, various retirement homes have reported problems with vandalism and insubordination from senior citizens who annually assume Senior Week to be celebrating their seniority.

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This status from Ecumen Resident Errol Jones has been cited as exemplary of the rowdy angst felt by many St. Peter senior citizens. Jones allegedly fell asleep watching Family Feud shortly after posting.

A Facebook post from senior citizen Errol Jones from the Ecumen Prairie Assisted Living Center has encapsulated this phenomenon. Jones’s status has accrued nearly two likes, accounting for every Facebook user at the facility. Jones shared, “Its soon to be out of sight all ‘up in here! !!’ Who is ‘# triyna ‘ stay up until 9 tonight!”

Chief of police Mike Stockholm released a statement this morning addressing the issue: “As residents of St. Peter know, our senior citizens tend to forget over the course of the year that Gustavus Senior Week has absolutely nothing to do with them and get pretty worked up. Whether it’s volunteering extra time at the homes calming down residents or simply picking up escapees headed towards campus, the SPPD appreciates any help during these dire times. However, beware that escapees should be assumed to be armed, buzzed and dangerous. With the support of the community we can weather this storm once again.”

Senior citizens in the area are preparing to fight back against the police department. Ecumen resident Peter Hoschka has incorporated Gandhi’s teachings to lead his fellow residents in a civil disobedience movement modelled after strategies of the Indian nationalists under British rule in the early 20th century. The senior citizens are currently on day three of refusing food and medication until they receive the Senior Week they feel they deserve. Nine residents have perished in the struggle.

Stacy Albrine, a worker currently in her fifth year of service at Ecumen, has stated: “These strikes are unlike anything I’ve seen in my tenure. Hoschka is a real thorn in our side. If they don’t break, we’ll be forced to fulfill their demands of tapioca pudding all week (instead of just on tapioca tuesdays), Antique Roadshow marathons every day, and bunion massages for everyone. This is going to suck.”

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