Due to the day’s forecast, the following events will be held in the Lund Athletic Center. Sources have yet to confirm whether the ‘likely downpour’ refers to the weather, or the tears of the graduating class.

12:45: Graduates Line Up. Seniors are lined up based on how diverse and attractive they can appear in Marketing photos.

1:30-1:45: Musical Prelude. It’ll either be that one “Friends Forever” song or “Hail to the Chief.”

2:00: Why Are All the Professors Dressed Like Wizards?

2:15: President Ohle forcefully bestows honorary degrees on 14 reluctant Nobel Laureates.

2:30: Announcement of Latin High Honorees. The translations of the titles are listed below:

cum laude: pretty fucked for the future.

magna cum laude: least fucked for the future.

summa cum laude: not fucked for the future.

8:17: The gap in the spacetime continuum cleaved by multidimensional douchebag Timeflies during his concert earlier this Spring tears asunder, throwing the entire Lund Center into the streets of Dresden on the night of 13 Feb 1945.

2:35: Commencement Student Speaker. Senior Victoria Clark begins a 25-minute allegory between Gustavus and the 2000 Nickelodeon television classic, Slime Time Live.

3:00: Bestowing of Degrees. That one guy whose family cheered for him must be pretty popular, huh?

3:30: Beginning of the “Johnson” section of the alphabet.

4:49: End of the “Johnson” section of the alphabet.

5:20: Procession and Postlude. The newly graduated Class of 2014 heads back to their parents’ houses for the next several years.